A Wedding Update + some thoughts on comparative suffering
As you might have guessed, Adam and I have decided to postpone our wedding… again. If I’m being totally honest, I knew it was coming for a while. After we picked our August date, I opened a tab to order “Change The Date” postcards, and that tab just stayed open on my computer because I couldn’t bring myself to order them. The tears that flowed the weekend that was supposed to be my bachelorette party wasn’t because I was overly upset that couldn’t happen. I understood that it was a small sacrifice amidst everything else going on. Not a big deal! Instead, the tears were hard to hold back because I was worried I wasn’t going to be able to celebrate a wedding either.
Despite knowing it in my gut, I think I waited to make the call to leave space for some sort of miracle. MAYBE something will change that will make this August date possible. MAYBE?? Adam is very much an optimist and was really clinging on to that mentality – so I could too, right?! I had been rotating between sadness and optimism ever since we postponed the first time. And then I saw JB Pritzker’s 5 Phase Plan and I knew we couldn’t keep pretending. We needed to reschedule our wedding again.
Our New Date
The good news? All of our vendors are available on June 6th, 2021 and we locked that date in! Of course there is still the chance that COVID could be wreaking havoc on our lives next spring too. But we are choosing to hope for the best again.
As of right now, we are planning on waiting instead of getting married this year in a smaller capacity. The main thing both of us have been looking forward to is celebrating with our big families. Most of my family lives on the East Coast and most of Adam’s lives on the West Coast, so we don’t get to see them often. Gathering those people in one space has always been really important to us. To just let that dream go is really hard. I know not everyone will understand that. But eloping or getting married with just our immediate families wouldn’t be a bummer for us because we’re missing the spectacle. It would be a bummer because we’d miss the hugs and connection with people we love. So for now, we wait another year and hope for the best.
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Some thoughts on comparative suffering…
Honestly, I’ve been feeling pretty good about everything since we officially made the switch to our new date. It is what it is. And ultimately, Adam and I are already committed to each other and we know August is just too risky. I just needed to get everything in order. Sign contracts, and reach out to friends and family before clueing you guys in.
Then yesterday, I was listening to the Be There In Five’s podcast episode about Influence in the Time of Covid Part 2. She conducted a survey where her listeners could enter what they think influencers are doing well or what is annoying right now. I thought it would be helpful to hear some feedback. And I thought the first episode was really interesting, so I tuned in. Most of the comments were either helpful or applied more to people with way bigger Instagram followings and way more “perfect” lives than mine. And then there was one that struck me directly. It was something like “I hate it when people post that it was supposed to be their wedding day. I get that weddings are important, but people are dying.“
WOOF.
Now don’t get me wrong, I know that this was just one person. And the likelihood that they were talking about me is slim. But regardless, it stung because it’s a big reason why I haven’t shared many of the thoughts about rescheduling that I was sifting through… despite the frequent requests for more wedding content right now from other brides going through this. I’d prefer not to read judgey DMs telling me just to elope from someone with a profile photo of their wedding day. Haha no thanks!
Anyway, I turned that off (not because of Kate – she’s great! I just didn’t want anything to trigger me more ?), and I turned on Brene Brown’s podcast about comparative suffering instead. I highly recommend giving it a listen yourself. But the main point is that someone will always be going through something worse than you. Hence the “you’re not allowed to feel sad about your wedding plans when people are dying.“
But the truth is that everyone deserves to feel their feelings.
If you’re sad, you’re allowed to be sad – regardless of how it compares to someone else’s pain. And even more than that, you can feel your own feelings AND have gratitude AND feel empathy for others at the same time. All of those things are not mutually exclusive.
In the past few months, I have been struggling with many of the same things all of you are, wedding disappointments aside. Most of the time, I am upset that people are dying. And even more upset that there are people who don’t care. Especially when people in a position of power don’t seem to care (don’t come at me for that – if you’re allowed an opinion, so am I.). Also, in terms of dealing with loss, Adam lost two family members just two weeks ago. I didn’t share that when it happened because it wasn’t my place to do so. But the point is that we’re well aware that people are losing loved ones and can’t properly mourn them or honor them right now. It’s devastating.
In terms of job losses and salary cuts, I am SO grateful that we can still afford everything we need right now. But Adam and I are both technically independent contractors. We are not immune to the economic impact of this virus. We had big plans to buy a home soon. And now that might need to be put on hold until we really have an idea of how much all of this will impact our income.
And I think the biggest thing we are ALL struggling with is the uncertainty of the future.
Sure, that includes some more specific concerns right now for me: everything with the wedding, disappointment that we have NO idea when we’ll ever be able to go on our honeymoon (I was going to finally see Italy for the first time ?), concern about when we’ll be ready to buy a home, pressure to start a family since I’ll now be 34 when we get married, etc. But everyone is grieving future plans right now. How could you not?
I’m not sharing any of this for sympathy or to add to the “ranking” that Brene talks about. I just wanted to remind all of you that everyone is going through a lot. We have to give ourselves enough grace to feel what we’re feeling so that we can move through it and come out on the other side with gratitude and perspective. And as long as they aren’t hurting anyone else, let’s give other people a little bit of that grace, too.
What do you guys think about all of this? Do you find yourself feeling guilty for feeling certain ways through this craziness? Let’s talk about it!
Also, if you are planning to elope or have a smaller ceremony this year, here are a few white dresses I love:
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PS. You might also like My Letter to 2020 Brides Affected by COVID-19, How To Reschedule Your Wedding, and My Wedding Planning Bundle!
May 12, 2020 @ 7:03 pm
Very, very well said. Wishing you all the best. I have two friends getting married this year and can’t even begin to imagine how stressful rescheduling is. Clearly, everyone knows that they could have worse things happen to them, so I eyeroll real hard at the whole “there’s people dying” thing. People need to stop being such haters and have more empathy, especially now.
May 12, 2020 @ 7:27 pm
My cousin is going through this right now, and she’s had the issue of people telling her that we postponed wedding/wedding events don’t matter because people are dying. Thanks for sharing about comparative grief. I’ll mention that to her, and share this post with her, too. Hang in there!
May 12, 2020 @ 7:29 pm
Thank you for posting this. I’m still grappling with (IRL crying every other day) our November wedding. My question is, how does the relief of knowing your dream wedding could come true next year (without compromise) compare with the heartbreak of grieving getting married this year. Has it been worth it? Do I go ahead and bite the bullet with the potential inevitable? Will it make me feel better in the long run?
May 12, 2020 @ 7:41 pm
So well written. I’m so sorry you have had to move your wedding twice – I hope that your day ends up being extra special.
May 12, 2020 @ 7:56 pm
Thank you for sharing this, Lauren. It is so helpful to hear other bride’s perspectives – as we all deal with changing dates, being cautiously optimistic about these phases, etc. And, I am all for the “everyone is allowed to feel how they feel” mentality. Everyone handles pain and disappointment and anxiety differently, so I have found it’s incredibly helpful during COVID, to remind myself and others of that.
My fiancé and I are keeping our August date, but only because we had original plans to keep our wedding smaller anyhow – so if we have to go very small and just have immediate family – then we are OK with that. We are currently in the process of buying a home – and chose to close on the same weekend of our original wedding date so it will still has some special significance for us. And, we figure we will have a bit housewarming when we are able – with everyone. (At least these are all the plans for now!)
May 12, 2020 @ 8:11 pm
Thank you so much for your honesty! We’re all allowed to feel our feelings and be sad about missed milestones. Grief isn’t a competition. Thanks for being so open and real.
May 12, 2020 @ 8:27 pm
You are the best. That is all. ♥️♥️
May 12, 2020 @ 9:17 pm
In tears. I needed to read this today as a corona bride but also as a human. I’m delaying my wedding until next summer too and it’s been challenging feeling a bit “alone” in this in terms of not knowing any other brides going through this (still have my wonderful fiancé!). Thank you for reflecting my thoughts and giving me a sense of community.
May 12, 2020 @ 9:25 pm
Beautifully said Lauren! Our hearts are heavy right now, for you and Adam and for the grief in the family. But we will rally, we will be there next June, and we can’t wait to love on you guys! Love, love, love you so much. ❤️❤️
May 12, 2020 @ 9:41 pm
Thanks for writing this. I postponed my June 2020 wedding to November. I’m hopeful we won’t need to reschedule again, but who knows. It’s been difficult. I’m not crushed but I am disappointed, mostly because many of the things I was looking forward to have been canceled— wedding shower, bachelorette weekend, wedding, honeymoon. I haven’t talked about my disappointment much because I’ve felt like people wouldn’t think it’s a big deal. This post made me feel better.
May 12, 2020 @ 9:51 pm
So well said! Thank you for sharing with us, being real, and quite honestly, putting what many of us brides are feeling into words.
May 13, 2020 @ 4:37 am
Thank you so much. I found this article via Phoebe also a corona bride. We decided to keep our 7/10 date in NY even though so much is so risky. My fiancé is an emergency room doctor and I’m a teacher so the summer was perfect for us. We’re going to have whatever is legal size reception and ceremony and then just have little parties later. This all just sucks. But I can’t wait. I personally can’t handle the anxiety and stress of postponing so you go girl for being so strong. I am in awe of your courage and perseverance. Ordering the masked up postcards to let our guests know what we were doing stung but you gotta do what you gotta do. Thank you for writing this. You are a voice to so many. Be well.
May 13, 2020 @ 8:40 am
thats so true. I wish you good luck with your wedding 🙂
xoxo
tina from wimpernverlängerung salzburg
May 13, 2020 @ 9:00 am
I’m so sorry for you both for all that you are going through . You are both doing it with such grace.
May 13, 2020 @ 10:53 am
There are as many covid stories right now as there are humans, and it’s important that all the stories be told, and all feelings be felt. Humanity is a multi-faceted lens, and our history relies on the honest telling of our experiences. Some of the most eye-opening stories of the cholera epidemic were about the difficulties of romance during that time. Postponing your wedding is a very big deal, and your willingness to record that story for posterity is even bigger. This is how we learn patience, forbearance, and the humility to learn new ways of living and giving. Thank you for showing your heart so willingly throughout this universal catastrophe.